One of the hardest things to come to terms with after leaving an abusive relationship was coping with the triggers. In a perfect world, you would leave the abusive relationship and enter a healthy one with no side effects. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case and they leave us with potentially years of therapy and triggers to deal with.
This occurrence actually surprised me when I entered the relationship I am currently in as I genuinely expected to be happy if I found myself in a healthy relationship. I thought that healthy meant happy, but this isn’t the case. There are numerous struggles that popped up once I entered a healthy relationship such as trust issues and random triggers.
If you resonate with the belief that you must be happy in a healthy relationship after abuse then read on. You might be surprised that others feel the same way you do after an abusive relationship.
Random Triggers
I moved states away from my ex with my fiancé and still have triggers when I’m walking the streets or even in the grocery store. My mind convinces myself that I just saw him and I begin to panic. It’s never been him as he lives so far away from me but that doesn’t stop my mind from convincing myself otherwise.
My fiancé will make a joke or use a voice or catchphrase that sounded just similar enough to my ex that it reminded me of him. This often sent me into panic mode within my body as it literally felt like he was here again. I feel that it’s worth noting that while I was in the relationship, I wasn’t “scared.” I became fearful after I left and the fear only worsened as I began to process the events of the relationship.
These random triggers became so strong at one point that I didn’t want to go grocery shopping for fear that I might see him. Two years later and I am doing significantly better. Time can heal a few aspects of abuse but not all.
Doubts/Difficult time trusting
Small little miscommunications lead to white lies which lead to lying. This was the lesson I learned during that relationship which led me to become very distrustful. The moment I entered the healthy relationship I thought that I was supposed to fully trust this new person. I simply couldn’t do it though. My brain would not let me stop looking over my shoulder to protect myself.
Healthy does not equal happiness and trust as our brains don’t just settle down and forget what happened. Healthy means that you have a safe place to process what happened in the past and to move forward. If you can’t bring yourself to trust your healthy partner then know that it’s okay. It takes time and patience on your end as well as theirs. If you spend long enough forming the habit of looking over your shoulder then it’s going to take time to break that habit.
Sleeping Arrangements
If you have experienced abuse in bed then you will know that sleeping in a bed with someone else can be difficult. During my relationship, I spent most of the nights pushing him off me while he would pretend that he was doing it in his sleep. I never felt safe coming to bed as he would mock or even tell me what to wear to bed. I did not have free will of whether or not I wanted to be touched while I slept.
This left me feeling very uncomfortable with being touched while in bed especially when I was sleeping. It has taken a very long to allow cuddling in bed and to trust that he won’t do anything to me while I’m sleeping.
Kind Gestures
I came home on my birthday to my now fiancé having decorated the bedroom and laid presents out on the bed last year. I sobbed my eyes out for a very long time after that because it was simply too kind of something for him to do. Kind gestures weren’t meant to be trusted, at least that's what my brain was still trying to tell me.
There was a time when I asked my ex to put the pillowcases on the pillows after I washed the sheets. He refused because it wasn’t his job to do laundry which means he doesn’t need to put the pillowcases on.
There were numerous times when he would do me a favor and never lose track of it. He would ensure that I pay him back for that favor.
Kind gestures were never free from where I spent two years of my life and that was hard to unlearn. It's possible though and necessary to thrive when you are in a healthy relationship.
Healthy Doesn’t Equal Happy
These triggers I’ve discussed are just a fraction of the processing that takes place after an abusive relationship. Each day that you live outside that trap is like learning to ride with training wheels.
You will find yourself again and in the process, you might find yourself in a healthy relationship. You also might find a healthy relationship while you are still very much broken as I did. Both ways are perfectly okay and probable.
Healthy might not equal happiness but it’s certainly a great place to start.
Please share with anyone who benefits from reading other's experiences.